The State of our Onion

Topsy-Turvy

I’ve noticed that my brain seems to work like a jukebox that resides in a New York City gay bar, most of my emotional impulses are accompanied by some chorus of a rousing show tune or a dramatic pop song. Yesterday I ran into an acquaintance who knows about our current, unemployed status.  Before she had a chance to ask “How are you?” I found that my faithful, internal, Broadway Star had preemptively answered the ominous question with an impassioned rendition of “There’s a place for us” from West Side Story.  All that music and lyric rolling around upstairs, along with a visual of Jeff in gang attire and me as a Puerto Rican bombshell had some clout.  When the question “How are you?” was finally popped, I just borrowed from Tony, the Jett who was serenading Maria in my brain and replied  “There’s a place for us, Somewhere a place for us. Peace and quiet and open air Wait for us Somewhere.” I don’t think my friend knew I was quoting, that’s one benefit of frequently being dismissed as “artsy.”

The question of “How are you?” Is coming our way a lot. I think folks are interested for all sorts of reasons.  There are some who genuinely want the scoop because they care about our family and want to support us.  Others check-in the way a seventh grader watches a scientific experiment; with a mix of fear, fascination and curiosity while anticipating the impending explosion. Then there are our Professional Ministry Brethren who sound as if we’ve all been fellow comrades sharing time in the pokey and Jeff and I have recently escaped “So what’s it like on the outside?” they whisper with a hint of lust and paranoia.  To all these variations on the theme of “how are you?” my jukebox starts cranking out the same tune: “Wide Open Spaces” by the Dixie Chicks and away I go giving a response inspired by the chorus “She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes She needs new faces She knows the high stakes.” Jeff doesn’t mind that I invoke a country, girl band to help inform our current condition.  He’s in touch with his feminine side.

There are many layers to a question like “How are you?” These days I think of my response in terms of a State-of-the-Union address.  Actually, it’s more like a Sate-of-the-Onion address with all those diapers around.  There’s the Marital Layer, the Family Life Layer, the Processing Our Past Employment Layer, the Hopes for our Future Layer and the How All of These Things Collide Layer. On the hard, scary days, when we see the bank account draining,  I find that the stereo in my head turns to the hit musical Annie.  One moment I hear “It’s a hard knock life for us” but this is usually followed by an upbeat version of  “The Sun will come out Tomorrow”.  After I’m through watching little, red-headed, orphan Annie parade through Daddy Warbuck’s mansion, God gently reminds me that I’m not an orphan waiting to be adopted by some Millionaire.  He also reminds me that he is not bald or white like Daddy Warbucks.  He does affirm, however, that he is delighted when I come to him like a child; trusting, resting, relying on his care and provision. It is in these moments, when I glimpse for a fleeting second God’s abundant love and compassion, that I am free of my faithful foes: Worry, Fear, Control, Perfectionism and Independence.  This freedom whispers an upside down message; “ take risks to follow me even though you may appear irresponsible.  Explore despite all of the mistakes you will make.  Free fall into the unknown knowing that Love will catch you.”   This great message, that makes me feel most alive, resides in the truth that God has me today and he’ll have me tomorrow and he’s had all my yesterday’s too.  Faith is a topsy-turvy ordeal, oh yes.  It delights in surprising the natural order of things.  I would have suspected that this time of unemployment would be really tough on our marriage and family.  I was gearing up for a war zone.  The stage was set.  No jobs, new baby, exhaustion, change, change and more change.  We’ve had our tough moments, but we had these before.  It’s been the opposite. It has been during this season that we’ve been experiencing rest and renewal.  I see Jeff and I start hearing “You’re the one that I want ooo ooo ooo Honey”  as Sandy and Danny from Grease frivolously romp around the carnival grounds of my mind.  We’ve had time, space and opportunity to invest in one another, partner with one another and serve one another without the demands of “responsibly providing” that so often serve to separate rather than unite.  This time and space has also given us a chance to explore God’s redemptive work that is exploding around the globe.  Learning about organizations like International Justice Mission(www.ijm.org) and Shared Hope(www.sharedhope.org), that are boldly rescuing the oppressed from the real and present bondage of human trafficking, has been a gift of both challenge and inspiration that has enlivened our weary ministry desires.  Seeing God’s huge heart and activity that extends way beyond the walls of church life makes me wanna stand onstage with the chorus from Rent and proclaim “525,600 minutes – how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.” And then, after singing, I wanna sprint downtown and take communion with the homeless and let them know they are loved, loved, loved.  Yes, these are surprising times.

The other day Jeff and I were having our own State-of-the-Onion talk.  We both remarked at how rich this time of looming poverty has been.  We might not have a paycheck but the treasures we are receiving only seem to increase.  To this truth, I hear an invitation sung beautifully by Christian singer Michael Card “so we followed God’s own fool (AKA Jesus), for only the foolish can tell.  Believe the unbelievable and come be a fool as well.” If Jeff doesn’t land a job soon, maybe I’ll try my hand at spinning records for a gay bar, I think I’d be good.